Dear Congress,

While you’re at it, here’s a list of several other things that I feel should be made mandatory for the American Public:

1. Everyone must have Internet access and an email address.

2. Everyone must own at least 5 business casual shirts, 5 shirts appropriate for manual labor, matching pants for the aforementioned shirts & 1 Sunday suit with tie.

3. Before leaving for a vacation or business trip, everyone must don a pair of clean underwear.

4. If you attend a function where people are dancing, then you must dance even if you look silly.

5. Everyone must replace their toothbrush each month.

6. An apple a day keeps the financial penalty away.

7. Everyone must maintain 1 jar of petroleum jelly and a pack of latex gloves in their medicine cabinet.

8. Everyone shall be conscripted for volunteerism.

9. While snacking with others where dip in involved, double-dipping is a federal offense.

10. Suicide must be painless and it must bring on many changes, though you can no longer take or leave it as you please.

11. Everyone must subscribe to a local newspaper.

12. Everyone must read the Oprah Book Club selections.

13. Grass must be cut to adhere to a 2″ standard, and any grass over 5″ will result in a financial penalty based on a percentage of your height and weight.

14. Everyone must attend 1 live performance every 2 months.

15. Everyone must cuddle with someone or something for 10 hours each week.

16. Since this country can no longer be divided by the “boxer or brief” debate, men must wear briefs because they offer more support for your junk.

17. Everyone must adopt at least one animal from the shelter.

18. Everyone must adopt at least one homeless person from the shelter.

19. Everyone must adopt at least one personal catch phrase.

20. 80% of your earnings must go to the government, because all you need is love, love. Love is all you need.

Sincerely,

A citizen who’s seriously concerned about the lack of arbitrary governmental control in our lives.

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Deflation Nation

A nation readjusts to the real world!

A nation readjusts to the real world!

As we learned with president Bush, approval polls are to be taken not just with a grain of salt, but with an entire salt mine. Still, these declining Obama numbers are a welcome adjustment from the stratospheric high of his early presidency. The fact that this country is returning to a realistic view of the president and his administration is comforting. Not because I want Obama to fail, but because the power to instigate change is moving back where it belongs–in the hands of the people. The majority of whom no longer seem to be starstruck.

Zombama

Here’s a striking t-shirt on TeeFury today that promises to be controversial. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about it.

I love how the artist subverts the political message, messianic iconography & appropriated artwork of the original, but it comes very close to disrespecting the office (as happened repeatedly with Bush).

I’m too afraid it would be grossly misinterpreted to actually wear such a thing. But still, it’s a bold and compelling image that tests our current political temperament, and that seeks to dismantle the unbelievable degree of hype surrounding the very human President Obama.

What do you think about this?

I’m A Frayed Knot

My illustrious Literate Housewife has tagged my bloggy ass with this random thing thingy. So I’ll reciprocate with the following, then tag 6 more suckas (do I still know 6 people with blogs?):

1)  I am no longer addicted to news and political op-ed on the Internet. Now I’m addicted to shopping online.

2)  During my irresponsible adolescent years, I let a hermit crab die of neglect.

3)  As someone who’s passionate about movies, I feel vindicated by the widescreen aspect of HDTV. Now, everyone who bought “full screen” DVD’s to avoid those black bars at the top and bottom will be complaining about the black space on the sides!

4) Utilizing Microsoft Paint within their operating system known as Windows, I draw whatever my kids tell me to draw. For example:

5)  I’m hoping that the tradition of suits and ties as the “neat dress” standard changes to something much more casual within my lifetime. To me, this is more important than the development of fuel cell technology.

6)  One of my biggest regrets is not learning to play a musical instrument when I was younger.

Now I’ll commence with the tagging:

Rules:

  • Link to the person who tagged you.
  • Post the rules on your blog.
  • Write six random things about yourself.
  • Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.
  • Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website.
  • Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Remember, Not Relive

I want to remember the people, but not relive the day…

Down Under Jerky

Today I had the pleasure(?) of sampling “jerky” versions of three animals native to Australia–crocodile, kangaroo and emu. Thanks to co-worker Steve for bringing these fascinating packets of dried and cured fauna back from his recent trip.

The emu was my favorite, with the least gamy and somewhat turkey-ish flavor. The croc was not too bad either, though this particular jerked version was somewhat spicy. It had a faint taste similar to the smell that reptiles have at the zoo or pet store. It’s almost a fish-like taste, but more earthy. Which makes sense if you think about it!

The kangaroo was disgusting. I expected more of a deer flavor, but it tasted almost rancid and vaguely toward the rotting flesh end of the scale. So tie me kangaroo down, sport–and leave him for the vultures.

Maybe this is a silly experience to write about, but it does illustrate how far I’ve come since my recent bout with the stomach flu. Now I can eat salty and exotic meats with the best of them. 😀

The Agony Of Unique

During a training session I’m attending this week, the instructor asked each of us to introduce ourselves and to share something unique about ourselves. For the first time in my life, I had no unique qualities to report. I simply said “there’s nothing really unique about me” to relieve the pressure of the moment. Then the spotlight moved to someone else.

Strangely, this seemed to be the most honest and correct answer. I’m suddenly SO OVER being unique.

 At some point during my early years in school, I embraced uniqueness as a defense mechanism against “coolness” (which was conformist), blandness (which is a far too easy and prevalent trap) and studiousness (which was, for me, impossible). Over the years it became my creed, as an outside-the-system kind of guy in school and an outside-the-box kind of thinker in the workplace. But while the concept of “unique” is fine on a personal level, it doesn’t really stir much reverence in general society.

One man’s uniqueness can be another man’s ho-hum. So why should I spout off about it to co-workers and pretend that it matters to anyone? If I had climbed Mount Everest blindfolded, or stowed away on a space shuttle flight, or resurrected a long-frozen wooly mammoth with a hair dryer and a car battery–well, then I might have spoken up.

Being truly unique is a lot of work. And while it was a perfectly reasonable goal when I was younger, now it hardly matters in the least. Perhaps this is part of being a parent. It’s now up to my kids to be unique, while I become the dad who isn’t supposed to be too freaky lest I risk embarrassing the girls in front of their friends.

I guess the most unique thing about me these days is that I just want to be as non-unique as possible and go relatively unnoticed. A true “behind the scenes” sort of character.

So why am I spilling all this out in a public blog? 🙂