Dear Congress,

While you’re at it, here’s a list of several other things that I feel should be made mandatory for the American Public:

1. Everyone must have Internet access and an email address.

2. Everyone must own at least 5 business casual shirts, 5 shirts appropriate for manual labor, matching pants for the aforementioned shirts & 1 Sunday suit with tie.

3. Before leaving for a vacation or business trip, everyone must don a pair of clean underwear.

4. If you attend a function where people are dancing, then you must dance even if you look silly.

5. Everyone must replace their toothbrush each month.

6. An apple a day keeps the financial penalty away.

7. Everyone must maintain 1 jar of petroleum jelly and a pack of latex gloves in their medicine cabinet.

8. Everyone shall be conscripted for volunteerism.

9. While snacking with others where dip in involved, double-dipping is a federal offense.

10. Suicide must be painless and it must bring on many changes, though you can no longer take or leave it as you please.

11. Everyone must subscribe to a local newspaper.

12. Everyone must read the Oprah Book Club selections.

13. Grass must be cut to adhere to a 2″ standard, and any grass over 5″ will result in a financial penalty based on a percentage of your height and weight.

14. Everyone must attend 1 live performance every 2 months.

15. Everyone must cuddle with someone or something for 10 hours each week.

16. Since this country can no longer be divided by the “boxer or brief” debate, men must wear briefs because they offer more support for your junk.

17. Everyone must adopt at least one animal from the shelter.

18. Everyone must adopt at least one homeless person from the shelter.

19. Everyone must adopt at least one personal catch phrase.

20. 80% of your earnings must go to the government, because all you need is love, love. Love is all you need.


A citizen who’s seriously concerned about the lack of arbitrary governmental control in our lives.


One Response

  1. Please add one additional mandate – children must obey their parents. God may not have been able to make that happen, but couldn’t this Congress?

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