The Immodest Mall


Don’t ask me how, but I accidentally got trapped in the holiday madness at the mall over the weekend. That massive dose of humanity should tide me over for a while.

After grazing with the bipedal herd, I made a small purchase and retreated back to relative isolation at home with the family. Though I didn’t come away from this experience without some observations to share. Let’s start with my receipt from the men’s department at JC Penney. At the bottom it reads:  National Bra Fit Event Jan.8 – Jan 14, Make an appointment with a Fit Specialist in Intimate Apparel Today!

The main reason I was shopping at JC Penney is that they’re one of the few stores that stocks tall sizes at a reasonable price. My 6′ 7" height prevents me from shopping at most discount clothing stores, or even at the expensive ultra hip ones. Talk about disenfranchisement! In the past, JC Penney has come through with the extra tall threads, though recently their sizes seem to have shrunk because they don’t fit me anymore.

But this little message on my receipt gives me some degree of hope. For even if I can’t find a decent long-sleeved shirt that fits, I can attend the National Bra Fit Event and find the support I need with the help of a specialist!

Coincidentally, this very same mall made national news recently due to the unfortunate juxtaposition of an intimate apparel display and an enormous bearded elf. Yes, the tale of Santa versus the Victoria’s Secret mannequin was merrily told throughout the land, and now only a black fabric divider stands between the innocence of youth and the lurid world of women’s high-fashion unmentionables.

The same is not true for the side of the mall where Spencer’s is located.

It had been a trillion years since I last set foot in Spencer’s, and I wouldn’t have gone there on this day if Target or Wal-mart carried fake rubber dog poop. It’s good to know that a store still has things like fake poop, handshake buzzers, mousetrap gum, whoopee cushions and rubber chickens. As for the rest of their merchandise…well…perhaps I have a faulty memory, but I don’t recall them having quite so much sexually related stuff or excessively vulgar gear. It seems that 92% of their items are things you’d normally find behind the opaque and mysterious windows of an adult book/movie store. But this is right in the middle of the food court at a "family friendly" mall!

For example, just inside Spencer’s and clearly visible to people passing by is a t-shirt on display. It’s a parody of the movie poster for Meet The Fockers, though standing in for Ben Stiller and Robert DeNiro we have caricatures of Bush and Cheney. In giant red letters it says "Meet The Fuckers". This serves as a mildly vulgar amusement as you walk past on the way to shelves full of real and novelty sex toys, "exposed butt"-themed items, jokey books about sexual functions and lewd party favors. Things that by comparison make the most racy Victoria’s Secret getup seem like a cheap Hanes 3-pack of white cottons.

Okay, that’s all well and good. Adults in a free society can make their own choices and decide for themselves whether to be amused by a Lusty Linda Orgasmic Pen Holder or not. But why in the name of Irving Claw do they let children into this store? And more importantly, why were adults shopping in this store with their children? I noticed at least three kids under the age of 10 wandering around inside with their parents, and some slightly older kids who were unsupervised!

Is anyone out there willing to meet me at this immodest mall to help move the black fabric divider from Victoria’s Secret over to the front of Spencer’s?


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